I heard it was getting worse, and I guess I have heard that before. Sure, I might also imagine it to become better or at least stay somewhat similar to what it is right now. Maybe it really was better before, or maybe it wasn’t.

It’s exhausting for me to even think about it.

It’s been a long time coming.

Sometimes, I am utterly surprised when the results turn out differently. I might even appear confused if my predictions and assumptions fail to appear.

But what did I expect? And how did it come that I expected this?

All the lucky and unfortunate moments have their own reasons. Yet, I am no longer sure whether it is worth finding out what exactly led to the current situation. But I will see it repeat anyway, and I cannot get a hold of it.

Everyone I know goes away in the end.

Am I too suspicious of promises? Or should I truly wish less?

Up to this moment in time, a lot of things happened that I would have liked to avoid. And that what I wanted not to go away often vanished anyway.

It’s no surprise that I am annoyed and angered when unpleasant things happen. And it’s no wonder that I am scared when the moments I prefer are about to wane. The fun is over before it begins.

So, I know the bottomless cramps and the shiver of excitement. They are not persistent, but they also never go for good.

This all seems connected to my ideas. Whenever I mistake them for reality, there is a distance. It is a distance between myself and the world, between myself and others.

And then it becomes difficult, and then it hurts.

Time may change me, but I can’t trace time.

There have been moments when I thought I knew what was going on, but I could not imagine them before they happened. After a while, I was a bit embarrassed when I saw how silly my great ideas were.

This pattern always continues to show up. I should know by now that it is just my lousy attempt to create stability when there is, in fact, none.

A former version of my ideas about who I am is still there. Now, new notions have arrived, and they may not fit anymore.

How can I even reconcile that? I caught myself explaining it over and over again to… myself. This time, I’d better be listening!

But honestly, I am out of control.

I’ve got to admit it’s getting better.

If struggling for a day or struggling for half a century doesn’t change that, what is left to be done? What can actually be done? And what to leave unchecked?

Well, I could remind myself that nothing has ever stayed the same so far. And trying to stop that from happening only distracts and frustrates me. Even when there were pleasant moments, they all vanished quickly. So, how can I be so stubborn? We are all in this together.

There is not much to say. But I plan to continue exploring options at this place and any other place as well.

Everyone is invited to join.

You are always welcome.