My emotions are my own, that’s for sure. But do I trust them? I don’t know, but I may validate them by presenting them to the world. But is this really what I had in mind?

There must be a reason for all the misery and excitement, and while I am never sure what exactly caused my current self-perception, I know there was a reason.

So here I am, with all this joy and doubt, deeply unordered and tickled by conflict.

I feel so extraordinary—something’s got a hold on me.

When I see what is already happening to me, I might instantly feel like I am in charge. That’s how my ideas manifest; my control is unquestionable.

Yet, I can briefly recall how this will fade quickly anyway. The first question, the first judgment, makes me shiver, and my confidence vanishes.

Why, again, did I build a fortress that only makes me defend it? I am sure my presence does not need boundaries and no permission anyway. This is not a simple task but a simple reminder.

With my naked eye I saw all; if I said it all, I could see.

Everything had a place already, and my mind couldn’t move anything. So why do I still try to invalidate the pure vision and the apparent reality? My ideas do not change a single thing; they just add more invented justifications and arbitrary ranking lists.

What did I need to hide? My laziness is too obvious to ignore, and my insecurity seems to be nonstop by now. I weasel and chuckle, and if that makes someone angry, who should I blame?

My resting body waits for more risk and drama. Even if I spin and redirect my attention, this is not a test of my capacities but a chance to reduce my dependencies. That alone is more than enough.

I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind.

I could already regret my future sins, so I don’t feel like promising perfection. That’s not a trick but a reasonable view. Some habits change, but not by force but rather by my embracement. That still stinks a bit, but at least it is a familiar smell that I no longer ignore.

If everyone knew how much-unneeded pain we might cause by trying to convince each other, I might also stop running around and preaching like a madman. Maybe everyone could let things settle, blossoms glow, and friends shine. I would be glad.

You are always welcome.