Sometimes, I long to stay and not leave again. And I even think that would be possible just by telling myself I want that. Holding my position against change and surprise.

But who am I to observe this matter as if I only need to witness my life and justify my actions? These circumstances do not belong to me, and if it were not for my habits, I doubted a lot of what I was and that I could even recognize myself. What appears similar has just not changed yet.

So, even if I dreamt of a life in which the loosely connected events would have never been a burden for me again, I would fool myself. A remedy that stayed would confine me; it would be a prison. But what if I let my surroundings exist by itself and I would merely acknowledge its validity in every moment? I would not need to explain that, and honestly, I couldn’t. That’s enough for now, and I guess that will be enough soon again.

Perhaps there is no right time, and my past is made-up as much as my future. But nonetheless, the movement is beyond what appears to be my guilt, yet it becomes my responsibility quickly. I seem to choose to engage in this availability. Whether that takes some time or gives each moment its place, it is what appears adequate right now.

Often, I thought I knew all the tricks, even the trick behind the tricks. What could be more tempting than absolute completion? Yet, I never had to wait long before the assumption was proven wrong. Seeing how things work does not give me a guarantee and does not put me into a privileged position. Yet, I am aware that things happen like they are supposed to; it’s not required to take ownership of the direction.

Would this connection of events ever end? Isn’t that what some have promised? I could equally choose to embrace the challenges and overcome my rejection of the apparent circumstances. This doesn’t change anything at all, and it also does not explain a single reason. It also does not make my prediction more reliable. So even if I tried, I would continue to connect myself and indeed relate myself as well. That’s completely okay.

I need to accept that there is not only no easy way out, but that there never was any way out of anywhere. Instead, I could use my attention to see where I can be of help right here. And even if I seem to change my position, there is just more to take care of. And that’s also completely okay.

There have been lots of explanations inside of me that I carried around, and if they appeared as being overwhelming, I might have instead longed for what appeared outside. But was that really a good idea? All these shiny new things made me ignore the fact that I did not take care of myself first. Yet, if I leave my ideas behind and see that what always appears is inadequate, then my time and place lose their relevance. The chance for that is never absent. 

Many things might irritate me; even the smallest confusion could pull me out of the situation. But why is that? Maybe I should not care a bit, but see how I meet myself and others in this moment wholeheartedly. It is not always pleasant, but who am I to imagine that life should always appear according to my ever-changing preferences? It’s easier to get along with what is, and even if I cannot do it, there is no reason to make it a project for my life.

Perhaps everyone knows when it is sometimes not required to own everything that appears and everyone we encounter. Everyone could maybe see that forcing control limits us and others, especially if we divide them into storytellers and storyhearers. Yet, all our flaws are the closest we ever get to reality. So, if everyone considered trying to relax the grip of making sense, given reason, and seeing purpose, we might align. And finally, we could meet how we really like to show ourselves.

You are always welcome.