There are moments in which I see how my aims seem to convince me that what happens currently is not enough, and somehow that I am not enough myself. Yet, I also sometimes see that the aiming itself created the idea that I am incomplete, even though I was not before. And as soon as the notion ceases, I cannot find any incompletion anymore.

I might have the idea of being flexible. Can I hold both thoughts, the positive and the negative? Can I see more options or just get instantly lost in one?

I don’t know… I could follow authority, believe what I was told, and how I was raised. But every disagreement becomes a threat in that case. Or I could question all that I have inherited and think my own goals and values are indeed the most important. I surely would feel in charge, wouldn’t I? Or I could wait a bit and see how my thoughts arise and see how different ideas can be of use in different circumstances. They might always change. I guess they will.

Is just all this information the problem? I seem to be rewarded if I show reaction, whether it is outrage or novelty, instantly confirming or conflicting. But all this mass of experiences is hard to wade through and to classify: What helps me? What doesn’t? So, am I my opinions?

But no, information is not my enemy. I can explore to know and learn and find opportunities. But what I hear most, what I think about very often – that will all influence how I think in the future, too. And it will sometimes influence how I act. Do I become what I do? Am I my actions? And sure, how I behave changes the next steps, but my environment is equally important. What distracts me and provokes me is not something that supports me. Some ideas support me. Some do not.

Yet, being too certain can stop me from thinking and remaining open. My beliefs can change and will change as they mostly worked for some situations. I did as well as I could; maybe now there are ways, based on my learnings, that offer more options. There might always be something missing. And I should also consider the opposite. 

I should probably just read a book and keep my attention on something. Easily, my ideas connect to each other. And I could also write a bit. Or build something. Just creation. I think that could be great. But for that I need to organize my ideas, find gaps in what I think I know, and indeed turn my capacity into something. And that is not always easy, but it is great. Even one line or one page or one sound.

Maybe there is nothing to explain, no one to convince, or no reason to justify anything. It’s possible that everyone already knows how we all sometimes invent an incompletion that is not already there. But I also think that everyone can and will grow, and that works best without eagerly waiting for it. Just pausing to hesitate and doubt can be enough to continue in this vast uncertainty. Just for one single moment, and then all the next. Perhaps someone or something could benefit from your support, from my support.

You are always welcome.